Tears Were Shed

For the first time in a long time, I cried in the hot room. I didn’t sob, but a few tears eeked their way out of my eyes, not once, not twice, not three time, but FOUR times! That’s right, I cried four times today in yoga: once in the standing series, then three times in the floor series.

I can’t really pinpoint why exactly I was crying, it was just a really tough class, mentally. I’ve been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately- unmotivated to exercise, disheartened by typical weight related thoughts, angry at myself for poor food/drink choices over the last week, and stress related to money. Everything just piled up and when I finally forced myself to go to class (after like a week of not going), everything just came to the front of my mind.

Every pose was a struggle mentally. Physically, I felt good. I was well hydrated and I was sweating normally and naturally. My arches actually felt really good. But I just couldn’t get past that mental block. I was ready to walk right out the door as soon as we started the first set of Half Moon Pose. Everything I did, even if I did it well, I berated myself. Either I didn’t do it as well as I used to, or I hadn’t made any progress since I last came to class. I just didn’t have the mental strength to do well today. That, and all the other stressful things going on lately and I was pretty much my own worst enemy. I even thought during class how I was going to write this post and accurately convey to you the self-loathing I felt.

I also found out tonight that unlike last year’s challenge, this challenge is not tiered. So rather than giving bronze, silver, and gold medals for 30, 45, and 60 days, only those who complete 60 days are considered challenge finishers. Which sucks because I’m on track to only finish 30 classes by the end of the challenge. It’s not 60, but I was looking forward to having something to show for my efforts (although to be fair, my efforts were considerably less than they were last year). I think that was also a contributing factor to my disappointing class.

I’m not sure why I’ve been in a funk the past few days. It’s got a lot to do with general feelings I feel about myself and my body image, but it’s also probably the weather. I really thrive in the cold weather. And I mean THRIVE, in that I’m more creative, introspective, friendly, willing to do more things, etc. when the weather is cold. And even though Halloween is next week, it’s been a solid 82 degrees all week (and will be for the rest of this week and into next week). Sure, it could be worse- it could be 92 or 102, but I would prefer a balmy 52, or if I”m particularly lucky, 42.

My brother also came to visit me this past weekend and we had an absolute blast, but I was pretty bummed out when he left. I’ll be home briefly in a couple weeks (for one night) then won’t be home again until Thanksgiving. I haven’t seen my dad in a month and that starts to mess with me after a while too since we’re pretty close.

I guess everything’s just so damn overwhelming (of course I’m now crying as I write this) and I’m not really sure how to handle it all. I could distract myself with exercise, or friends, or drinking (with friends, not alone), or shopping, but that won’t really solve anything- it will just delay the inevitable examination of my own thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, this pity-party has gone on long enough.

Namaste.

P.S. At least I nailed my back bends and camel today, and I’m improving at standing bow pulling pose, so I guess that’s something.

Advanced Camel? Say whaaaaaaaat!

I finally managed to get back to the hot room, after an entire week off. It was a week filled with rest, relaxation, friend time, and just the tiniest amount of alcohol. And I didn’t miss the hot room once. All in all, I was pretty lazy this last week (with the exception of a 19 mile bike ride on Saturday morning).

It took my friend Rachel, who just signed up for her first month at the studio, to drag my ass back to yoga. Obviously going to yoga alone sucks, and it sucks even more when you’re new to the practice and the studio. I’d been busy every night this week so I couldn’t go with her until this morning. I pulled my ass out of my very warm and cozy bed and boy was it hard. It’s getting chillier out and I’m still sleeping in a tank top with my windows open. It’s about 55 degrees in my room most mornings, making it especially difficult to wake up.

But alas, I had promised Rachel that I’d meet her so I hauled myself out of my bed and filled up my water bottles. I was smart and gathered all my stuff last night so I didn’t have to hunt around this morning. This turned out to work in my favor since I woke up 10 minutes late this morning.

Elle taught class this morning, so it was guaranteed to be a good class. And it was. Because class started so soon after the studio opened, the room wasn’t hot yet when we started. Of course the room gradually warmed up and we began to sweat, but it never felt like the room got hot. My legs barely sweat and my feet didn’t either. Normally my feet have a bit of moisture on them which makes the three poses we do off the mat (like triangle) a bit easier. But today I was pretty dry so I kept slipping around all over the place. I also knew it wasn’t that hot because I never even used my reserve bottle of water, and normally I drink both my frozen bottle and my reserve. And I know I wasn’t particularly well hydrated since I opted for wine last night instead of water. I regret nothing.

So we made it to the floor series and I did pretty well. I tried to do fixed firm pose and my knee is sore today. Not sure if I’ll ever get back to doing that pose. But then, my crowning moment happened. We did camel. We did the first set, and since Kaci taught me how to go back further about two weeks ago, I automatically went into a deeper camel pose than most people. I held it and it felt so good to stretch out after a week of not stretching at all. As we entered into savasana, Elle asked me if I’d ever done the advanced version of camel pose, and I told her I hadn’t. So during the next step, she walked us through camel pose and gave me directions for how to do the advanced version, which looks like this: 

I did the full advanced pose on my first try and it felt simply amazing! I could seriously chill out in that pose for hours. It was so nice to actually move to another stage of a pose, especially ones that I feel I’m pretty good at (like half moon and camel). I could hear people around me literally gasping, and I was slightly embarrassed, but I still felt like a freaking rock star! Can I please brag for a second and just highlight the fact that not only have I never seen anyone asked to demonstrate a posture as much as I have, but I’ve also never seen anyone called out in the middle of the class and told to do an advanced version of a posture. Feels good to be good at something 🙂

It was a bizarre class overall too because I was surprisingly limber for so early in the morning. I did half moon and my back bends and hardly felt any strain on my back, which is common for me after just waking up. And my arches didn’t hurt at all. That’s not entirely true- they felt so good through 90% of the standing series, but after triangle they were really killing me so I sat down. Then I got back up for tree pose and they felt fine. All in all, my body has managed to retain a lot of the strength it earned last week, despite my having taken a week off.

I think I’ll rest up tonight (after I go out for a friend’s birthday of course) and go to  the 5:45 tomorrow morning. My brother is coming to visit me for the weekend so I want to get some yoga in before he’s here. The studio is also doing a three set class on Saturday from 9-11 and I’m thinking I might want to attend. Challengers earn two stickers, which is nice, but I don’t know if I want to pay the $20 for the class just for an extra sticker that I could earn at class on Sunday. So we’ll see!

Namaste

No Mistakes!

A Successful Double. The First of Many!

I completed another double today! Woke up at 5:20 and rocked the 5:45 this morning, then I handled the 8:15 tonight! I even managed to bring my friend Rachel to class with me. Homegirl kicked so much ass in your first class ever! Her strength and balance was so good; she kicked my ass so hard lol. After class she told me that she loved it but thought she was gonna throw up because she didn’t follow my advice and ate 3 taquitos before class. I told her the Taco Bell story from last year’s challenge. Mexican food and BIkram just don’t mix.

Anyway Rachel said she wants to come back again and I’m super excited for her to do another class. I love introducing people to Bikram. Some people like it, others, not so much, and that’s alright. Bikram isn’t for everybody, just like running, cycling, swimming, or tennis isn’t for everybody. But it’s a good feeling when you can bring a friend to yoga and you can see how much they like it during the first class and you can just tell that it’s going to be a positive thing in their life.

Short post today because I’m sleepy (although I did manage to get in a solid 40 minute nap after work) and I have to get up at 5:20 again tomorrow for class with Elle!

Namaste

Early Mornings Suck

It’s true, they do. I went to the morning class before work today. I love that they changed the start time from 6:00am to 5:45am- let’s me get home and get ready for work and still be on time

This morning’s class was pretty cool, surprisingly so in fact. Maybe that’s one of the perks of getting up at 5:20am? Cooler classes. I was pretty stiff this morning, but that’s to be expected- morning classes are always hard when you’re used to going a certain distance in poses that require flexibility.

I got to break in my new mat this morning, which allowed me to see that the mat is more coral than it is pink. It also had that new mat smell; it smelled like a new pair of swimming goggles. A weird association, I know, but that’s all I can really compare it to. 

Overall it was a great class. My strength is improving and I’m able to stay in poses longer and without falling out as frequently. And even though it was early in the morning, I feel like I got a hard workout without exerting myself too much. Kind of a weird feeling.

I feel like a zombie writing this post though, which explains the crappy writing. I’ve been up for 4 hours, and I am not a morning person by any means. I brought extra tea to work to stay awake. I’ll be at tonight’s 8:15 class too, so wish me luck on my doubles today.

Namaste.

Lucky Number Seven!

Holy shit what an amazing class this evening! Best class I’ve had in a week (which maybe isn’t that great since my classes have been shitty all week). I had so much energy during class today and felt so good during the entire class.

Bryan was the teacher today, and while I’d only had him for one other class in the past and didn’t like his teaching style, it was exactly what I needed today. There was no touchy-feely bullshit in class, not a single philosophical word was uttered- it was strictly yoga. Bryan belted out the dialogue with out deviating from the script, and it was exactly what I needed. I needed to focus on the words, on the poses, and learn to get my head back into the practice. Every other class this week has been with Julie or Stacey, who sometimes let their dialogue wander. Plus their voices don’t have that drill instructor’s cadence that Bryan’s does.

I’m pretty sure my success in class today was due to my diligent hydrating throughout the day. I had 90 ounces of water, an 11 ounce coconut water and a few cups of tea throughout the day. Needless to say, I had enough liquid in my body to last me a lifetime. I still drank a bottle and a half of water throughout the class, but didn’t guzzle it like I had in the past. In the last few classes I noticed that I came to rely on my water so much as a way to interrupt myself during the postures. I would tell myself “only a few more seconds then you can have water, then you can sit out the next pose if you want to.” It started to be a crutch rather than a helpful aid.

I also didn’t sit out any poses today (except fixed firm). Yes, I had to sit down half of balancing stick and half of whatever pose comes after it because of my arches, but I still felt good throughout the standing series. Standing head to knee is looking better and better each day, and I managed to stay in bow pulling pose longer than I had in a long time while focusing my weight in the center of my feet, rather than letting my weight fall to the outside of my feet. I even went into bow pulling pose on the floor today which I’d been avoiding because it requires me to pull on my knees. I did pretty well in it. I avoided fixed firm again and will probably keep sitting it out for a few more days in order to let my knee heal up. I’ve also lost some of the depth in camel, but that’s to be expected since I took some time off from it this week.

A week ago I told myself that I would go to 7 consecutive days of yoga and as a reward to myself I would buy a cute hot pink tank top with the studio logo emblazoned on it. Well I went to buy one today, and let’s just say they were sized for girls who do yoga more often than I do. While slightly disappointing, the material was pretty thin and the quality looked a little cheap, so I wasn’t too devastated. Instead, I bought a second Breathe mat. It was a hefty $54 but totally worth it since I’ve got multiple days of doubles staring at me. I’m so stoked to have a second mat- it’s going to be so helpful as I try and get to 60 classes! Oh, did I mention it’s hot pink? 🙂 I’m going to look like a bottle of Pepto Bismol when I wear my pink tights and pink t-shirt tomorrow morning.

Namaste.

Paying for my Procrastination

So tonight is my 7th consecutive class and I’m looking forward to finishing up my mini-challenge to earn that cute tank top from the studio. I was really looking forward to taking tomorrow off and letting my body (and mind) have a rest. I think after last night’s rant/semi-meltdown, it’s pretty obvious that I need a break.

But then I sat down with a calendar and figured out how many days I still need to do in order to finish all 60 days of my challenge. I’m 11 days behind on my challenge. This is what the month of October looks like for me in order to catch up and finish all 60 days on time:

Look at that nonsense and tell me my life doesn’t suck! It’s a good thing I bought a second water bottle this weekend! I may even have to start using my rubber mat and towels, or suck it up and pay the $50 for a second mat (which I’m thinking of doing actually). And maybe I’ll chop off all my hair and quit wearing makeup too so I can make the whole showering and getting dressed thing easier in the mornings.

I’m pretty determined to at least catch up to where I need to be, but whether or not I actually finish all 60 days is a horse of a different color. Please wish me all the luck in the world. You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to this Saturday so I can get a damn day off! And then I’ll have a solid month of zero days off. I guess this is where the whole “one day at a time” thing takes over and I put all my faith in a higher power.

No Mistakes.

P.S. I read an article the other day (or maybe it was a blog on here?) where the author once asked an Olympic trainer what the secret to success and finishing your goals is. The trainer said the normal things you’d expect: dedication, discipline, genetic jackpot, etc. But he also said that the most successful people were the ones who figured out how to deal with the monotony of training. Not every yoga class is going to be stellar; I’m not going to nail every back bend, some of the classes are going to be hotter than others. Finishing my challenge on time is going to require my getting used to these facts. Ya, it’s going to suck getting up at 5:30 every morning to go to class, but that’s just part of the shitty, boring, monotonous process on the way to success.

“Exhausted” Doesn’t Even Begin to Cover it.

I thought weekends were about rest and relaxation? If that’s the case, then can someone please explain to me why the hell I’m more exhausted tonight than I am on a Friday after a week of work? I’m pooped, and like the title of tonight’s post says, “exhausted” doesn’t even begin to cover it. Allow me to recreate my weekend for you:

Yesterday:

Woke up at 7:30 and went to class at 8:00. Took it easy again. I showered up afterwards and took a solid 3 hour nap. I woke up around 2, ran to Old Navy to pick up a few fall clothing items. Then I headed to Davis to hang out with a few friends/old college roommate and celebrate a friend’s belated birthday. It was a good time but I didn’t get back to Sacramento until 1am. I’d stopped drinking around 9 so the fun had definitely worn off by 10, but alas, the person I got a ride from wasn’t ready to leave until 12:30. I didn’t get to bed until 1:30.

Today:

Talk about an ass kicking. I was going to try and get in a double today, but then I decided sleeping in was more important (because duh). I woke up around 9:30, got up, got dressed, got Starbucks, ended up running into a friend of mine. He and I chit-chatted for a bit then I went on my merry way to run my errands. I spent a solid 2 hours at Target, the Dollar Tree, BevMo, and a local wine store, TotalWines. I spent a bunch of cash but it was all on necessities. Yes, even the wine was necessary because I’m hosting this month’s wine club and I had to purchase bottles. I got home, put everything away, did 3 loads of laundry, scrubbed the bathroom from floor to ceiling, dusted and swept the house, did the dishes and put them away. And juuuust when I was ready to take a nap, it was time to go to yoga. I wasn’t gonna go actually, but a phone call from my dad and a gentle kick in the ass from him was pretty much all it took for me to get my ass out the door.

Today’s class was hard. So hard. Julie taught. I used to like Julie, but now I kinda view her as a posture Nazi- she spends so much time calling people out on their form, which I guess is good, but it kinda irritates me when we’re all stuck in the pose while people are trying to figure it out. Anyway, Julie didn’t open the door at all today and I reeeeeally felt it. Today’s class was super hot, although I’m pretty sure it was because I hadn’t hydrated. I mean, when the hell would I have found time between errands, laundry, scrubbing, dusting and sweeping? I sat out a lot of postures, which made me feel like shit, but is worth it in order to get my knee back in shape. Speaking of which, my knee is feeling a lot better and the active rest days have definitely helped. Still, I’m avoiding poses that require me to put much pressure on my knees, mainly bow pose, fixed firm, camel, and rabbit.

If I’m being completely honest, I am not loving yoga right now. It’s hurt my knee, every class feels hotter than the last, I don’t feel calmer or better rested; in fact, I feel pretty frustrated with the entire ordeal. I’m not sure if I’m trying too hard or not trying hard enough. I keep thinking back to last year’s challenge and how far I came and I keep comparing myself to how I used to be. To be fair, I took two weeks off and am just now coming back to my practice so my body is probably just getting used to things again. I’m not hydrating as much as I need to be which is making things more difficult, and whenever it’s time to go to class, I find myself dreading it because of all the challenges. I know I just need to relax and calm myself down and quit worrying about where I was and where I want to be, and just focus on where I’m at now, but it’s proving difficult, and that’s making me really frustrated.

Speaking of frustrated: I’m trying to cook soup right now and I forgot a damn ingredient. Now I have to go back to the store to get crushed tomatoes (after having gone to the store already after class). And of course when I went to go to my car, I found that my neighbors truck was blocking my driveway. For real, guys? I just want a bowl of soup and to go to bed. Is that so much to ask?!

This post doesn’t get a ‘namaste’.

Edit:

After this post was first published, I went to the store, got my crushed tomatoes, and now I’m better,  but still pretty annoyed. One accomplishment to be celebrated though: this is the most amount of consecutive days of yoga I’ve ever done. Most I’ve done in a row was 4, and today I completed my 6th consecutive class. Perhaps that’s why I’m so tired and slightly over yoga right now? I think I need a day off (after Tuesday of course) or to switch things up. Maybe I’ll go for a run tomorrow morning before work.

Also, I do have have to say that despite all my complaining, I’m very fortunate to have such an amazing support network. Yesterday Tish sent me a text message telling me to stay strong last night (she knows I’ve been trying to cut back on my alcohol intake, and I managed to have a few drinks last night without overindulging). Then yesterday I was talking to my pops about his marathon, which he finished in 3:47! That’s only 7 minutes off from the time he needed to qualify for Boston (it’s cool though- he’s already qualified and going). When I told him that I was proud of him, he told me that he was equally proud of me for all my accomplishments. AND! I just got a heartwarming Snapchat from my best friend in Fresno who I haven’t seen in a while but who I’m going to get to see this weekend when I go home to visit. It’s hard to complain when you’ve got such awesome friends and family!

Namaste

😛

Takin’ Things Easy

So I pulled my sleepy ass out of bed at 7:30 this morning! On a Saturday! And it was nice and cold in my room too cus it was like 40 degrees outside…perfect sleeping in weather! But alas, I made a commitment to do 7 full days in a row.

I gathered up all my crap, went to class, and took it easy. The class was pretty crowded for a Saturday morning, but I suppose that’s the way things go in the middle of a challenge. Stacey was the teacher- she and I are getting quite chummy.

I can feel slight improvements in my knee after having taken it easy yesterday and today, although I’ll admit that sitting out postures really doesn’t sit well with me. I suppose that’s something I get from my father- that man wouldn’t know a rest day if it bit him in the ass. So when I’m sitting there laying in savasana while everyone else does bow pose of fixed firm, I feel like a loser who can’t hack it. But I just have to keep reminding myself to let my knee heal and remember that I’m doing my own practice and nobody else’s.

I came home, took a shower, had breakfast (bacon and eggs…worth it!), I’m watching an episode of The Wire, waiting for my straightener to heat up. And while I know I have a bunch of errands I want to get done, I’m thinking I maaaaaaaaay need to hit up a little nap for an hour or two.

Namaste

P.S. Shout out to my pops today who’s running the St. George Marathon in St. George, Utah. That man is crazy.

“Hey There, Miss Back Bend”

Apparently I’ve developed a slight reputation around the studio as having a superb back bend. And while it’s not untrue, I’ll admit, I’m a bit embarrassed by the attention.

As I headed into the hot room this evening an older gentleman who had been in Wednesday’s 6:30 class with Elle came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said “Hey there, Miss Back Bend! That was incredible!” I’m pretty sure I blushed with pride/embarrassment as I told him thank you. We walked into the hot room together and he kept asking me about my flexibility. The woman sitting in front of us overheard and turned to me and asked me, her eyes wide, “Have you always been that flexible?” I told her yes, but that I can’t balance for the life of me because of my arches and lack of general strength.

She and I then proceeded to have a long conversation about strength versus flexibility. I told her about my knee woes and she told me that last fall she’d popped a hamstring in standing separate head to knee pose but didn’t realize it until after class. She told me the same thing I’d heard over and over and have been trying to tell myself: listen to your body. And that’s what I did today.

I concentrated really hard today on how my knee felt throughout each posture. It hurt during part 1 of awkward pose, it hurt during standing head to knee (though I did slightly better in this pose today than I have in a while), and it hurt during standing bow. I sat out bow pulling pose, fixed firm and rabbit pose because they all put so much pressure on my knees and I just couldn’t stand it. I didn’t mention that yesterday I couldn’t even do camel pose because the pressure on my knee was so painful. And I refuse to let this knee pain take camel pose from me…it’s all I have!!! My knee aches slightly as I write this, but I know I took it easy today, and will probably take it easy the next couple days until my knee pain goes away.

Confession: I almost didn’t go to class today. You see, naps are my kryptonite in all that I do. I came home from work today and put on some comfy clothes (mistake number 1), then I crawled into bed to “just rest my eyes” (mistake number 2). I dozed for a bout 20 minutes and woke up at 5:55 (I leave my house at 6:05 but still needed to get my stuff together). I looked at the clock, fought with myself mentally and decided I was going to skip class tonight under the guise that my knee hurt and that the pink tank top isn’t really that important. “Fuck it,” I thought to myself as I laid my head back down on the pillow and prepared myself for a good nap.

But then I remembered my conversation this morning with Tish where we both agreed that “fuck it” is the worst phrase imaginable when you’re dieting, working out, trying to drink less, or just generally trying to be better. “Fuck it” is the mind’s way of saying “Yeah, your goals are important, just not as important as this thing I want right now.”‘ Immediately I jumped out of bed and gathered my stuff, not wanting to succumb to my ephemeral desires while forgoing the hard work I’d put in all week. I’m so close to getting that tank top- I wouldn’t have felt that I deserved it if I’d skipped class today but still bought it on Tuesday.

I found this quote yesterday on Pinterest and it really resonated with me:

While my body does indeed experience physical exhaustion, especially at the end of class, when I really concentrate and try really hard, I can convince my body that there’s energy enough to do one more pose, or go just a little bit deeper (so long as it doesn’t hurt me). I think finding that mental toughness is a key component in any attempt we make at change. We have to be aware of the mind’s role in the mind/body relationship and understand that it is the mind that controls the body. Because if we let our bodies control our minds, we’ll never have the energy to be better.

Namaste

Seriously Knee, WTF?!

Again, knee, really? REALLY? I can’t handle this shit. I’m busy enough trying not to kill my feet every damn class and now I’ve got to worry about your shit too?! Can’t do it.

As you can probably tell, my knee’s been acting up lately. I’m talking searing pain again. Pretty sure it’s because I’ve been trying to go back in fixed firm pose and my knees are lifting off the ground while my hips are trying to sit between my ankles. At least I hope that’s it because it’s the only cause I know if for this type of knee pain.

Similarly, I’m pretty sure I’m hyper-extending my knees in all the standing poses. I learned this because I originally thought my knee was hurting from hyper-extension, so I talked to a few of the teachers about this and when I showed them how I stand, they agreed that I was locking my knee out, rather than locking my knee (huh? There’s a difference?). So during the standing series today I really concentrated on not locking out my knee and trying to figure out what the hell locking your knee (without locking it out) feels like. The best advice I got though was to focus and put all the weight on the inside of my foot, rather than letting the weight rest on the outsides of my feet. Awesome. Put even more stress on my arches. Maybe that’s what my arches need though? A little more pain but ensuring that I’m doing the poses right? Who the hell knows.

On the bright side though, I ran into Other Kelsy today and she told me that Elle wants to take a picture of me and her sometime, so we made plans to both go to next Tuesday’s 6:30pm class so Elle can snap a few photos of us in action. I’m super excited! I’ve wanted to take a photo of my back bends for a while but haven’t worked up the gall to ask a teacher to feed my vanity.

Namaste!