For the first time in a long time, I cried in the hot room. I didn’t sob, but a few tears eeked their way out of my eyes, not once, not twice, not three time, but FOUR times! That’s right, I cried four times today in yoga: once in the standing series, then three times in the floor series.
I can’t really pinpoint why exactly I was crying, it was just a really tough class, mentally. I’ve been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately- unmotivated to exercise, disheartened by typical weight related thoughts, angry at myself for poor food/drink choices over the last week, and stress related to money. Everything just piled up and when I finally forced myself to go to class (after like a week of not going), everything just came to the front of my mind.
Every pose was a struggle mentally. Physically, I felt good. I was well hydrated and I was sweating normally and naturally. My arches actually felt really good. But I just couldn’t get past that mental block. I was ready to walk right out the door as soon as we started the first set of Half Moon Pose. Everything I did, even if I did it well, I berated myself. Either I didn’t do it as well as I used to, or I hadn’t made any progress since I last came to class. I just didn’t have the mental strength to do well today. That, and all the other stressful things going on lately and I was pretty much my own worst enemy. I even thought during class how I was going to write this post and accurately convey to you the self-loathing I felt.
I also found out tonight that unlike last year’s challenge, this challenge is not tiered. So rather than giving bronze, silver, and gold medals for 30, 45, and 60 days, only those who complete 60 days are considered challenge finishers. Which sucks because I’m on track to only finish 30 classes by the end of the challenge. It’s not 60, but I was looking forward to having something to show for my efforts (although to be fair, my efforts were considerably less than they were last year). I think that was also a contributing factor to my disappointing class.
I’m not sure why I’ve been in a funk the past few days. It’s got a lot to do with general feelings I feel about myself and my body image, but it’s also probably the weather. I really thrive in the cold weather. And I mean THRIVE, in that I’m more creative, introspective, friendly, willing to do more things, etc. when the weather is cold. And even though Halloween is next week, it’s been a solid 82 degrees all week (and will be for the rest of this week and into next week). Sure, it could be worse- it could be 92 or 102, but I would prefer a balmy 52, or if I”m particularly lucky, 42.
My brother also came to visit me this past weekend and we had an absolute blast, but I was pretty bummed out when he left. I’ll be home briefly in a couple weeks (for one night) then won’t be home again until Thanksgiving. I haven’t seen my dad in a month and that starts to mess with me after a while too since we’re pretty close.
I guess everything’s just so damn overwhelming (of course I’m now crying as I write this) and I’m not really sure how to handle it all. I could distract myself with exercise, or friends, or drinking (with friends, not alone), or shopping, but that won’t really solve anything- it will just delay the inevitable examination of my own thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, this pity-party has gone on long enough.
Namaste.
P.S. At least I nailed my back bends and camel today, and I’m improving at standing bow pulling pose, so I guess that’s something.
The Life Chats 