My Mistake Was Forgetting

Contrary to popular belief, I’m far from perfect. And this fact has reared its ugly head the past few weeks. I’ve been grumpy, I’ve been mean, I’ve been, for lack of a better word, a bitch. I’ve snapped at people for no reason, I’ve been surly and angry at people for little things that otherwise wouldn’t bother me, and I’ve been generally unpleasant to be around. Self-examination, self-loathing, guilt, and generally feeling sorry for myself allowed me to reach the conclusion that I just needed to work out. It’s been over a month since I did anything physical, and it was taking its toll on me.

But I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t want to go back to my trainer- he lives too far away and costs me an arm and a leg. I didn’t want to start walking/running again because it’s painful and the psychological fallout is almost unbearable, and I didn’t want to go back to yoga because I’ve been told by a few different people that I need to learn to reach outside of my comfort zone, and yoga is certainly in my comfort zone.

It took an emotionally charged session with my therapist last night to figure out that yoga was exactly where I needed to be. She explained that it wasn’t about the weight necessarily, it was about my mental state. The weight is a byproduct of my mental state, and however true that may be, I know for a fact that a lack of yoga in my life has had an adverse effect on my quality of life. So today I went back to the hot room. And that’s when I realized that I’d made a mistake: I’d forgotten yoga.

I forgot how to hydrate. I forgot how often I pee when I do hydrate. I forgot how to pay attention to what my body needs in terms of nutrition. I forgot what foods I needed to eat today in order to perform well. I forgot how to pack my bag to go to the studio. I forgot that the face wipes I use to clean off my makeup leave a residue that stings when it sweats into my eyes. I forgot that sitting by the door doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you’ll be any cooler- if the instructor doesn’t open the door, you’re just as hot as the guy in the corner. I forgot how to place my weight in my heels, I forgot how to breathe though my nose, how to lift up and bend, how to relax my body when I bend. I forgot the pain in my feet. I forgot how much I sweat and how much water I need. I forgot what it felt like to be completely focused on the situation at hand. I forgot the relaxation and relief I feel when the instructor utters “namaste.” I forgot the sense of accomplishment I feel when I trudge to the car and chug what’s left of my water. I forgot what coconut water tastes like. I forgot what a post-yoga shower feels like. For the first time in a very long time, I actually knew what it was like to be a beginner. The only familiar thing about my class today was the smell and the posture series. I had forgotten the tiny intricacies that are required with yoga. I forgot mindfulness, awareness, breath. I forgot who I was when I did yoga.

I was more at peace when doing yoga. I was less grouchy and more calm. I was less judgmental and more go-with-the-flow. I was more fun, I was more relaxed. I slept better, I ate better, I drank better.

I’m back in the studio for however long I feel is necessary. It took a 4 month hiatus to understand that yoga was missing from my life and that it truly is an integral part of who I am. I’ve been told before that yoga was my comfort zone and that I need to get out of my comfort zone. And I agree with that. But the mistake I’d made in the past was abandoning yoga while searching for whatever it was I was looking for. Yoga is what kept me grounded when I ventured into the worlds of cycling, running, and weight lifting. When I abandoned yoga, things fell apart. I’ve learned now that I can try these new things but that yoga needs to be my anchor.

And yoga needs to be my spiritual anchor without the added pressures of considering it “exercise.” Because it’s not. And because of this, I’ve pledged not to do any challenges during 2014. I know I’ll be tempted in the fall, but it’s the quantification of yoga that ruined it for me in the first place. The spiritual benefits I received from the consistency of practice and the inner challenge was what I needed. Placing a sticker on a chart after every class was counter-productive for me because the emphasis was no longer on the internal motivation of completing the class, but the external motivation of earning that sticker.

I feel like a beginner all over again. I feel like I’m discovering the practice for the first time, and much like a beginner, I don’t know what the practice has in store for me this time around. I’m thinking that a lack of external pressure to “challenge myself” will help me appreciate the nuances of Bikram without the loud “now you get to slap a sticker on your chart!” screaming in my ear. I don’t know what I will do in terms of exercise for the next few months. I don’t have a plan. I’m just going to move with the tide and see where it takes me.

Namaste.

No Mistakes.

 

Lucky Number Seven!

Holy shit what an amazing class this evening! Best class I’ve had in a week (which maybe isn’t that great since my classes have been shitty all week). I had so much energy during class today and felt so good during the entire class.

Bryan was the teacher today, and while I’d only had him for one other class in the past and didn’t like his teaching style, it was exactly what I needed today. There was no touchy-feely bullshit in class, not a single philosophical word was uttered- it was strictly yoga. Bryan belted out the dialogue with out deviating from the script, and it was exactly what I needed. I needed to focus on the words, on the poses, and learn to get my head back into the practice. Every other class this week has been with Julie or Stacey, who sometimes let their dialogue wander. Plus their voices don’t have that drill instructor’s cadence that Bryan’s does.

I’m pretty sure my success in class today was due to my diligent hydrating throughout the day. I had 90 ounces of water, an 11 ounce coconut water and a few cups of tea throughout the day. Needless to say, I had enough liquid in my body to last me a lifetime. I still drank a bottle and a half of water throughout the class, but didn’t guzzle it like I had in the past. In the last few classes I noticed that I came to rely on my water so much as a way to interrupt myself during the postures. I would tell myself “only a few more seconds then you can have water, then you can sit out the next pose if you want to.” It started to be a crutch rather than a helpful aid.

I also didn’t sit out any poses today (except fixed firm). Yes, I had to sit down half of balancing stick and half of whatever pose comes after it because of my arches, but I still felt good throughout the standing series. Standing head to knee is looking better and better each day, and I managed to stay in bow pulling pose longer than I had in a long time while focusing my weight in the center of my feet, rather than letting my weight fall to the outside of my feet. I even went into bow pulling pose on the floor today which I’d been avoiding because it requires me to pull on my knees. I did pretty well in it. I avoided fixed firm again and will probably keep sitting it out for a few more days in order to let my knee heal up. I’ve also lost some of the depth in camel, but that’s to be expected since I took some time off from it this week.

A week ago I told myself that I would go to 7 consecutive days of yoga and as a reward to myself I would buy a cute hot pink tank top with the studio logo emblazoned on it. Well I went to buy one today, and let’s just say they were sized for girls who do yoga more often than I do. While slightly disappointing, the material was pretty thin and the quality looked a little cheap, so I wasn’t too devastated. Instead, I bought a second Breathe mat. It was a hefty $54 but totally worth it since I’ve got multiple days of doubles staring at me. I’m so stoked to have a second mat- it’s going to be so helpful as I try and get to 60 classes! Oh, did I mention it’s hot pink? 🙂 I’m going to look like a bottle of Pepto Bismol when I wear my pink tights and pink t-shirt tomorrow morning.

Namaste.