So I thought I’d deviate from my normal topic of discussion (namely, Bikram) and stray towards something I’m pretty passionate about: Feminism. I’m a feminist who’s always had a difficult time understanding why so many men and women refuse to identify as such despite their obvious embrace of feminist ideals.
First, I work in the California State Capitol in downtown Sacramento. It’s pretty awesome, especially because California is the best state and I absolutely love living here- I’m never leaving. Ever.
The Capitol has a proud history of tradition, both in and around the building. One such tradition is that of allowing ladies to enter and exit doors and elevators before gentlemen. It’s not a hugely novel tradition, in fact I’d say it’s a pretty old tradition in most parts of the world. Sometimes I notice it, other times I don’t. Most times I appreciate the courtesy of exiting the elevator/building first (I’m a lady, in case you weren’t aware).
Today however I was walking to an office across the street with our intern to deliver some papers to a committee. Now our intern is a typical intern- young, doe-eyed, trying not to rock the boat. I should also mention that he’s a 23-year-old guy.
As we were walking out of the building, a nice gentleman entering the building held the door open for us. Our intern sped up to grab the door and walked through it ahead of me. Now I wasn’t even aware that he had walked in front of me as I was busy reading an email on my phone. The gentleman however remarked “Dang man, you walked through the door before her?!” He was half-joking, half-serious; I laughed and our intern was slightly embarrassed. We then enjoyed a hearty discussion about the traditions of chivalry in and around the Capitol, which turned to one of my favorite discussions: the changing roles of men and women in society in response to increasingly independent women.
I’ve had this discussion a lot with one of my good male friends. Men have a historically clear definition of what it means to be a man and how a man should treat a woman. Women, prior to the feminist movement, also had a clear definition of womanhood and how women should act when interacting with men.
However, the feminist movement has done a pretty decent job of changing the definition of women’s roles both in relationships and in the work force. Since the feminist movement, many girls, including myself, were raised with the idea that women can be as successful as men in the work place and should be emotionally and financially independent. My mother, who was raised by a housewife-turned-employed-housewife, and my father, who was raised in a traditional Mexican household, both encouraged my independence and raised me not to depend on others for financial support. Because in financial comfort and liberty there is power and freedom.
But what are the roles of men in the wake of the newly defined female? Is chivalry an affront to female independence, and if so, how do you reconcile that with the fact that many women still want men to be chivalrous while on a date (or in the halls of government)? Men my own age, I’ve learned, are reluctant to ask women out on dates because they fear they’ll come off as rude or presumptuous.
It’s truly an unfortunate position that men are in (and don’t get me wrong- I understand that men have had far more advantages in this life than women have and are the reason for female subjugation throughout history, but understanding the changing roles of men and women is important). They are waiting to respond to women who aren’t entirely sure of what they feel in the first place.
For example, one of my best friends is incredibly independent- she’s smart and successful. She was valedictorian and class president at her college and received a full scholarship to law school. She speaks passionately about her future and her pending career. And yet she exhibits behaviors that are sometimes contrary to this belief. In watching her get ready for a party one evening, she complained about how cold it was outside and that she was going to freeze in the tank top she was wearing. When I suggested that she grab a sweater, she responded that “if you’re doing ‘girl’ right, you never need to bring a sweater or a hair-tie because a good man will always have one handy.” I was awestruck. Was I really listening to my valedictorian, class president, best friend? Had she really just told me that she was intentionally leaving a sweater behind so as to appear vulnerable in front of her date, thereby empowering him to “be the man” and nobly offer her his jacket?
I witnessed something similar last evening. My cousin, who recently turned 21 and is in a happy relationship with her boyfriend of several months, declared on her Facebook page that when her boyfriend could not attend parties because he had to work, she too would refrain from attending those events without him so as to illustrate her respect for their relationship. The amount of likes her status got (175 as of 12:45 today) was truly eye opening. The comments were also incredibly enlightening.
Most of the commenters were men, and many of them praised my cousin’s loyalty to “her man.” Never one to shy away from a contentious issue I happily commented that it’s relatively normal and healthy for women to establish themselves in social settings without their boyfriend. Women need to foster friendships outside of their relationships in order to maintain their sense of self in the unfortunate (and sadly, very likely) event that the relationship does not work out. After all, it’s when women have no friends outside of a relationship that they are most vulnerable to domestic abuse.
I mention these two instances as examples of the competing thoughts and actions of women. My best friend wears her independence on her sleeve, but when on a date, refuses to sleeve her arms so that her date can offer her his jacket. My cousin touts her independence as a young woman, but elects to stay home from social gatherings in the event that her significant other cannot attend.
Now far be it from me to judge my friend and cousin for their actions- I’m sure I’m guilty of similar behaviors. It’s important to understand however that these actions are representative of the competing thoughts that women feel and the subsequent confusion of men as a result.
So what do men do? Unfortunately I don’t have the answer. If there even is an answer. I think men are going to have to approach each woman with caution and feel her out (not up) and use a trial and error type method to determine what women want and whether their actions are an affront or a welcome gesture.
Getting back to my original story of our poor intern, I can’t help but feel bad for him. How was he to know that it’s a tradition in the building to let women walk through doors first? How was he to know that I would or wouldn’t be offended by the gesture?
I also wonder why the gentleman felt the need to mention the snafu at all. All the gentleman saw was a girl and guy walking out of the building together. He did not see that an employed woman with seniority was showing a male intern the ropes and that maybe it wasn’t the intern’s place to open the door for someone above him. Rather, the gentleman saw a male and a female and reverted to traditional gender roles rather than considering alternative situations.
This of course speaks to a larger issue: namely the perception of females in the work force. A man may not open the door for a woman for a variety of reasons, one of which may be the fact that she has seniority over him. I mean, would Hillary Clinton’s male receptionist open the door for her? Probably not.
Of course it’s difficult for society to wrap their minds around women as superior to men in the work force. Because when they do, society must accept that men are not equal earners, and then men start to feel bad and don’t really feel like men. I mention this because I just happened to stumble upon this little article from CNN:
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/30/opinion/drexler-women-breadwinners/index.html?hpt=hp_t4
In conclusion, I don’t envy the changing roles of men in society mostly because I don’t think men are very receptive to change (especially when that change is to their disadvantage). I’m happy to be a woman in a time where women have affected change and are doing so in increasingly larger numbers. True, I sometimes struggle with maintaining a feminist perspective (I once considered selling my copy of The Feminist Mystique in order to purchase home furnishings, namely, a new iron, but refrained from doing so as I was sure I could hear Betty Friedan rolling over in her grave). I struggle with maintaining a feminist perspective when I’m late to work and need to cut to the front of the line at security. But what I don’t struggle with is a floundering sense of self because I was fortunate enough to be raised with the belief that I can be anything I want if I work hard enough. And that’s pretty cool.
The Life Chats 